just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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