I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
