Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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