I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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