Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
