she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
