You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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