im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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