Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
