new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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