feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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