I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
