Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
