I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
