I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
