Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
