Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize