I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
