PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
