I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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