We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
