Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
