Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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