you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You have to summon your inner elephant
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
