We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
