I faked an abortion last night.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
