Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
