So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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