who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
