A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't deserve a penis
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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