True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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