I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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