Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
