OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize