Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
