just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
