It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
