im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
