the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
