Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I believe in your delicious
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize