You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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