remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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