the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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