dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
