apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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