I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
