I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
