hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
