a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
