before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
