Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
