Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i think i have two assholes
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
