just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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