He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
