So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
