never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
