He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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