woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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