Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
