You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm like, not good at living.
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