she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
